This morning I was greeted with the news that a fellow Atenean and a brother through Kuya Jess passed away over the weekend. A week ago I read about a Theresian’s passing in a friend’s blog. Exactly two months ago, I was woken up with the news that Michael was gone.
So it was a very very depressing Monday morning. I’m actually supposed to be in class right now, but I’m skipping it because I feel so heavy all of a sudden.
Jaime, in his blog, recommended this writing exercise in which you would write down what you think should happen should you die young all of a sudden. Stupid? Morbid? Maybe. But fulfilling? Possible. Well, as Jaime put it, “it’s good to reflect about death because ultimately you get to celebrate life.”
I want my burial to be ultimately short. 3 days would be enough. But I hope that the third day falls on a Sunday. Sunday is my most favorite day because I get to be with my family and Kuya Jess. If my friends could come by, then why not? The more the many-er, err, merrier.
I want to wear my “Good things come in Blue and White” shirt, my Days cross on my neck, my favorite blue Rosary in my hands. And my curly hair should be left untouched. I don’t want to look too serious nor too formal. I want to look like how people see me in my everyday life.
My coffin should be blue and white. Hehehe (see shirt in above paragraph). I want it to be simple, not too intricate. I want it to be surrounded with white flowers. Cheap sampaguita from the kids on the street would be enough.
I want my funeral to have free wi-fi for everybody. I want people to be blogging about me. But their blog entries shouldn’t be very very long. I want them to KISS, “Keep It Short, Stupid.” I would want my Mom to write a eulogy on my blog (yes, not hers).
I want Father Larry and a few Jesuit priests to say a few Masses for me. I just love their homilies. I don’t want people to fall asleep when they’re saying mass!
A big tarp would be nice. I would like pictures of my friends and family with me all over the place. I want the pictures to be the stupidest, weirdest and cutest pictures of me. BUT NO I WOULDN’T WANT MY HIGH SCHOOL GRAD PIC TO BE THERE. LOL.
I want my grade school friends, Trumpets friends, high school friends, and college friends to be there. Since my friends are musically inclined, I want them singing, or playing any instrument. I want a grand piano to be around!!! My friends could even make a band just for the evening!
I want music to be constantly played on my wake. Jesuit songs in the morning and afternoon, and a live band (see above band) or choir with members I personally know in the evening. Songs should be happy.
People can wear red in my funeral. Well, it’s my favorite color! And I don’t believe in those pamahiins anyway. No one should wear black.
I want bibles and rosaries to be given away. If bibles are too expensive, then a few short passages regarding Jesus’ life on cards would be nice. I want people to know who my Kuya Jess is. And oh, I want wooden crosses to be given away! Just like in Days.
Just like what we did in Michael’s burial, I want white balloons to be released in the sky. I want “welcome to Heaven, pogi!” to be written on them. And there should be cake, too! A Mocca Shoppersville cake. Mmmm. It’s up to you guys what you want to be written on it.
Finally, I want Kuya Jess to be there. I want Him to fill the hearts of my family and friends, and even the people who hated me or didn’t know me or found me weird and stupid and stuff. I want Him to give them a big big big bear hug for me. :D
Done. :D
I may, or may not die in the next days, months, years, or whatever. But, having written those feels so fulfilling. Jaime was right, I guess. :) Morbid, yes. But stupid? I don’t think so.
Kuya Jess, salamat, salamat sa lahat. Masaya ako at nakilala Kita, at silang lahat. Minsan lang akong mabuhay, at masayang masaya ako dahil binigyan Niyo po ako ng pagkakataong ito. Kung mawala man ako, nawa’y ingatan at bantayan Niyo sila. Salamat, salamat. :) Nawa’y nasa Iyong piling na ang mga nauna at mauuna pa sa akin. Mahal na mahal Kita.
December 3rd, 2007 at 12:36 pm
It breaks my heart to be reading something like this, to be visualizing something like this. But you have said them anyway. I love you, BA–my prayers are with you always. May the good Lord watch over you always, with Michael and cousin Belle by His side. There is so much in my heart, there is so much to say. I can give up all worldliness, everything, just for you, your dad, your siblings and Angelo’s family. A mother would like to say–LORD, give me all the load, all the challenges, all the problems, all the pains, all the failures–BUT please, spare my family. We cannot dictate though, we can only beg, and in the end accept His will.
December 3rd, 2007 at 12:52 pm
[...] Read more… No matter how busy I am, I had to drop everything I was doing, I just wanted to hug my BA, but when I read about it, he was already on his way back to school with a classmate. If only I knew how to drive, I would not let him drive to school, I told myself. I would be at his beck and call, just to see him safe, just to have him with me for as long as it takes. [...]
December 3rd, 2007 at 1:44 pm
People, even very young people like you, sometimes find death or the idea of dying fascinating. I think we all do it all the time. But like your mom, I’d feel horrified and a bit afraid when I read something so ‘in our face’ about our children, especially after a recent (painful) loss. Hug your mom and say it’s just a thought … a thinking person’s thoughts.
December 3rd, 2007 at 6:11 pm
what is it with deaths coming this late no? parang gusto pang humabol sa november. i found out about a schoolmate’s passing jsut recently too.
your mom’s message is really touching. it’s so nice to know that even when you feel really heavy inside there’s someone to give you a hug anytime, anywhere. and you think your funeral will be weird? my friend had stranger ideas…
December 3rd, 2007 at 9:01 pm
Mom, I’m still here, I’m still alive. It’s not that by writing that I am saying goodbye. :) Pero ito masasabi ko sa inyo, the first step in realizing who and what we really are and why we are here is acceptance. We need to accept that life is indeed temporary, and death is but a transition. I love you all.
annamanila: I didn’t find the idea of death and dying fascinating. :( I guess I was just too affected by the recent deaths that occured. A friend of mine was in that accident, and a ton of what if’s flooded my mind.
ris: I didn’t think my funeral will be weird. I felt it would be somewhat touching, with a tinge of my weird personality. Heehee. Anyways. I guess it’s just one way of reminding us that life is short, and we really need to live it to the fullest.
December 3rd, 2007 at 9:51 pm
hey BA.
i know the exercise was weird, but to be honest… after doing the writing, there was this big feeling of relief… parang a big burden off my back, knowing that yeah it’s ok, because people love me sooooo much and i love them soooo much as well… and that of course GOD loves us soooooo much. tapos you feel fulfilled. it just means that life so far has not given you too many things to regret. and there’s an overwhelming love that just drowns all those sad and stupid days away.
the least this exercise provides us is an opportunity to say what we want to say to those we love the most. so ayun.
maybe our next blog entries should be something more cheerful. like if i could decide what my christmas would be it will be something like this… haha.
happy christmas BA.
December 4th, 2007 at 2:23 am
This reminds me of what my 8-year old told me a few months ago. He was talking about death a lot. I think he’s remember the awful thing his granddad did to all his sibblings. Nothing physical, but it was very mean. If I could just protect my babies from such depressing things in life until they’re bigger….
But even the best of Mommies knows that we let our children live their lives and be there for them whatever that might be.
Great exercise if a bid morbid.
December 4th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
Jaime: Ganun din yung naramdaman ko! I feel looooooooooooved by God and my family (obvious ba, sa comment ng nanay ko, hehe). Thank you, thank you for suggesting this exercise. Happy Christmas bro!
Shoshana: I never thought an 8-year old could talk about such stuff! I pray your 8-year old would be saved of all the depression.
December 6th, 2007 at 4:00 pm
Dude, writing about how you want your funeral and burial to be sent chills down my spine.
December 10th, 2007 at 9:16 am
Ade: Eep. But don’t you want to try it too? It feels good doing it
December 10th, 2007 at 9:24 pm
oohh. parang gusto ko rin magsulat tungkol sa dream burial ko….
December 10th, 2007 at 11:24 pm
Triszh: Feeling ko pink yung sayo. Hehehe