Bababa ba?

It’s 4am, and I’m still up. Been doing some thinking. And it’s somekindofa extreme thinking, I tell you.

And I’m writing this in my public blog, because maybe, just maybe, you’re part of what I’m writing about.

I’ve been doing some later high school and early college reminiscing. About my past thoughts, my old plans, my old dreams, my past relationships and my old self. I did some re-evaluating and compared where I am now to where I was back then. And wow, I’ve gone through some major transformations.

I guess I’ve had personal, social, academic, organizational, and relationship troubles these recent past years because I’ve been too impulsive in my decisions. I never really gave thought on the things I did, in what I got myself into, so I just did them and got into them. I never really liked thinking about the consequences of my actions, so I just let things flow. I just did my thing, and whatever could have happened, happened.

And I’ve been wrong many times. More times than I have ever imagined. Because I jumped in and out of a whole lot situations too fast, losing control and hurting myself and others in the process with my own instability. I broke the trust of others and I also lost trust in myself.

Whenever that happened, I just let things flow. I guess that’s where I was wrong. Back then, when I just let things flow, things started to flow back to the start of the cycle and I get myself into another situation I can’t handle. I try to escape, and then I hurt myself, I hurt others. And that’s because I always realize thing when they’re already too late.

Why did it take me this long to realize things?

I’m sorry to all the people whom I have hurt and let down these past years.

I’m sorry too, BA. Yes, I’m apologizing to the BA who’s writing this entry. Because really, how could you forgive yourself unless you apologize to yourself? (I know, I know, weird logic).

But thank you, everyone, because I have learned and I am continuing to learn a lot.

It’s time now for me to stick with what I believe, with what I’m doing, with what I want to do, with what I love, and with whom I love.

With God’s help, I can do this.

I’m not gonna lose myself this time.

Pray that I’m ready. :)