Bababa ba?

Since we were on the topic of writing exercises,  my good friend Geleen suggested I visit this writing exercise generator. I was to reserve this for dry spells, when I want to write but do not have anything to write about.

So a few moments ago, feeling dry, I clicked the magical “Generate a Subject” and it gave me this:

Write about someone you used to love

And this, all of a sudden jolted me awake. As much as I love writing about my past lovers (as this blog is a big testimony of this), I write about them during the times of heartbreak, the times when things hurt the most. And I have even did a similar exercise back then.

As ala-500 Days of Summer, Henry Miller said, the best way to get over a woman is to “turn her into literature,” and damn,  I’ve already written most, if not, all of my literature!

This will be a hard writing exercise, as I believe I have already written tons about the topic. And I shouldn’t really be writing this because I am in a wonderful relationship right now.

Well, the magic generator has spoken, and so I will just try writing a general letter.

——

To you, whom I have loved before, whether you knew about it or not,

Hello. How are you? How have you been? If you were wondering (and I’m sure you’re not), things are dandy. Things are fine. Ever since the break up, the separation, the sudden disappearance, the heated arguments, the time when we stopped talking, the time when we stopped seeing each other, everything has been generally fine.

Why am I writing to you?  If you know me (and you should, as we were lovers back then) I hate going back to old memories. I hate reopening old wounds. Because they are just scars now and, scars are scars, and not wounds any more.

But I felt the need to apologize. To myself and to you.

Well, mostly, to you.

Remember when we looked back into our our relationships? When we talked about our old lovers and shit. When we said that we wouldn’t be like that, and that we were different? How we believed that we are now new person capable of a “different” kind of love?

I am sorry that things didn’t turn out that way. I am sorry that I was not who you expected me to be. I am sorry that I turned into someone like your past. I am sorry that I ended up being your past.

Remember when we looked at the present, when we didn’t care about anything? When we lived by the “you and me against the world” thing? When we were happy and we tried to be happy with what we have? With what we had?

I am sorry that the happiness was short-sighted. That our happiness during our togetherness was not enough to push us forward, as we were blind to everything else. I am sorry for having blinded you.

Remember, when we both looked forward towards the future? When we both crafted what we wanted to be? Where we wanted to be? When we started to take off from the now? When we were hopeful?

I am sorry that we almost left everything behind, I am sorry for leaving you behind. We were too fixated on getting there, we forgot about what we have.

Remember when I said I loved you? When I actually loved you?

I am sorry. Because I have stopped loving you.

I have a whole lot of apologies in store. But bringing them out would be bringing the wounds out from the scars. And we don’t want that, right? We don’t want blood gushing out from our hearts, from our skins.

To you, whom I have loved before, whether you knew about it or not,

I am sorry.

I am thankful.

Goodbye.